Today I woke up and decided to take my identity back. Before this day I felt like I had to change everything to wash it away, I wanted a brand new me and on the internet all I had to do was give myself a new social media name and delete my old blog…or rather stop using it.
That was easy, but it wasn’t.
People always say that you aren’t your past, yada yada…and maybe that’s true but your past shapes who you are.
I wasn’t a bad person and I didn’t do anything wrong so I’m not going to be the one to change all of my things around.
Just, fuck that…NO.
So today I decided that I will in fact keep my blog and everything that goes with it because it’s mine and it’s me and because I fucking can.
Write what I want when I want.
No more ducking my head in the sand and doing the “proper” thing.
So with no apologies at all, here I am, all of me…if you don’t like I don’t care because I do.
I remember sitting in this meeting with my grandma it was a weight-loss tea thing. I was probably in the third grade and I remember wanting to try the tea but I couldn’t because it was too expensive.
Which is crazy because if she had the money she probably would have started me on my own regimen. I’ve been being stuffed into girdles since the beginning of time….okay since around first grade. I’ve always hated them….I hated the discussion of how fat I was and what changes I needed to make to my chubby body.
The irony in all of that is that almost every woman adult that I knew was over weight and I thought they were all beautiful.
There was always some sort of discussion which felt as abusive as the constant sexual assault that I endured. No wonder I grew up with body image issues. I always had someone telling me I was pretty, sexy, and that I was too fat.
That combination had me feeling as if pretty was a curse, as in if I wasn’t so pretty maybe I wouldn’t be molested. If I wasn’t so fat then maybe I could be loved more? Everything always felt so out of my control, always at the mercy of whoever was in charge. Over the past three years or so I’ve been learning what it means to take charge of….well everything.
Anyway, I get to pick what my life looks like, I get to pick what I look like. I get to pick the people in my life and if I don’t like someone I can cut them out of it. I don’t owe anyone anything, period. I’ve got time to explore everything about me, so, that’s what I’m going to do. I am making no promises other than to try, and rock the fuck out of the life I have left.
10 AM wake up on a Sunday isn’t a bad thing, I mean that’s considered sleeping in by some….okay by most.
Not if you went to sleep at like 6 AM, thank you insomnia, you make my world shiny and new.
Since we’ve been here at the new place just about every weekend we travel somewhere for work or for a day trip, mostly work, fun work, but work none the less.
Let’s take our trip down the time line…
9:36 AM: I start doing my makeup, I can’t find anything, the kids are having a crisis…..there’s no way I’m going to finish my makeup, I pack my makeup bag so that I can finish it in the car.
11:45 AM: We finally leave, and thank the lord because, seriously D we need to fucking go or we’re going to be late and I’m starving to death….I’m weak….I have blurry vision….I AM GOING TO DIE.
12:14 PM: *I don’t really know what time at this point because I’m too hungry to keep score on all the ways D is failing me at this point* We finally get some food, I order something bad for me I shouldn’t be having and we drive away…..OMGGGG they forgot my food and the straws….so now I’m going to starve AND my lipstick is going to be messed up.
12:30 PM: I board the every thing is against me struggle bus and adopt the motto why does everything hate me.
12:30-2:30 PM: I finish my makeup, I starve, I complain, starve some more….get on everyone’s last nerve.
2:30PM: We arrive at the Agora Borealis for the meeting (check out the store it’s AMAZING). So, I have gained some weight and I needed to put on my boots which hate me because they don’t want to zip up.D helps me, finally, and we get them up. Inside I’m hating the world, mostly my extra fat calves and the sweat on my nose because it’s fucking up my makeup.
Meeting goes well, really well, my designer (Von Ray check them out! ) fits me and Chervonne and it’s all great. I learn a little about the dress, I won’t tell you here because it’s going to be AMAZING.
*Spoiler Alert….I don’t have to wear shoes so I’m probably not going to fall and die, let’s all celebrate!**
4:00 -ish PM: We finally leave after perusing Agora Borealis, I bought a wand, it’s gorgeous.
4:30 pm: I get some food, FINALLY! I love everyone again, YAY!!!
5:00 PM: I reap what I sow. I had to pee really bad so we stop, and we stop at a gas station with the grosses bathroom that has ever existed, in life…..
So I decide I’m going to squat….this is where everything gets soggy. So I am peeing and my fat thighs are kinda touching, I’m trying to hold my pants so they don’t touch this toilet….
Catastrophe happens because THEN I started peeing down my leg….down my leg on my jeans. Now I’m in this nasty ass bathroom with pee coming down my leg, and I’m asking myself why….why do bad things happen to good people?
Eventually I stop peeing and clean myself up as best as I can. I go to wash my hands and OMG there’s some kind of fucked up texture growing on the sink….I still wash my hands folks, I’m not a heathen.
I tell everyone in the car the story, they laugh and judge me….
The moral of the story is that when you’re a Negative Nancy you pee on your leg and you have to wash your hands in a fungus sink. It’s better to just find your happy and spread that around.
I’m late, my makeup is on point….and the only thing that really means is that it will melt off because I’m nervous as fuck.
I want to prepare myself for every type of mishap that might happen, any and everything that will send me to the dark place, the place of despair….
The place where I will spend 2 or 3 days in the bottom of my shower asking over and over “Why ME???”
I finally strapped on a pair and made myself an appointment, it’s been almost 7 months since I’ve had any medical treatment.
I haven’t really wanted to be bothered since my last doctor died, dude I didn’t kill him.
Anyway, I miss him, I miss my therapist and my routine and I hate new things….
I hate the questionnaire….. the litmus test that determines how crazy you are.
I think of things in pictures, if that makes sense and I hate to be asked questions.
You might as well stick me a hot box and shine a light in my face.
Bring on the good cop bad cop routine…..all of this shit is in my head btw….there’s only me….
Me and the computer and the little bubbles….A,B,C,D or all of the above.
Have you tried to kill yourself lately?
Do you like to drink?
Are you on drugs?
Do you eat green eggs and ham?
Have you ever thought about eating green eggs and ham?
If so was it last Tuesday?
Do you talk to yourself?
Do you want to hurt anyone?
Well not until I sat down to answer all these fucking questions.
You never know what your new doctor will be like….will they be nice and understanding or will they sit across from you behind a clip board and basically say….well this is all in your head crazy person, you’re fine.
I mean I would love to be fine, I’ve been trying to convince myself for 7 months that I can actually control all of this on my own. That was a fucking lie.
50lbs and a HUGE fear of leaving my house later….I’m a fluffy heap of panic, whimsical joy.
I am happy to report that my new therapist seems pretty cool, not overly judgey.
The only thing is that they don’t have is a candy man on staff,
which means I’m SOL as far as medication for the time being and I’m going to need to go somewhere else to get it. It’s really HARD to get help, it’s going to take some serious effort on my part.
I’m willing to do what it takes, and of course my family and friends have my back. I’ve got a neat little online community to lean on too.
I had a moment in the dark a while back, but I haven’t visited that shitty place in a long while and the visit was short lived. The coping skills I’ve learned these last two years have proven invaluable.
When you move, things are new, life changes and goes on….nothing stays the same.
So with that, thank you so much Dr. Ripley for all that you taught me, I will never forget you.
There are moments in time when our off spring will do something and it will make us feel 10ft tall, like we have done some great thing by being the vessel that was chosen to bring that tiny human into the world.
My days are often filled with those moments because I feel like I don’t quite know who I need to be, well I do, but at the same time I don’t. I am falling more in love with the journey to my purpose every day.
So, today Chervonne came up to me and said “look, Mommy, my tattoos!”
They had taken a little bit of my washi tape and created a doodle and wrote out on separate pieces of tape….Transgender and Pansexual.
I looked and thought, wow this is so fucking cool, we must take a picture of this, freeze this moment….I need to do that more.
Chervonne does these kinds of things often, always staking their claim on who they are, I admire that.
I don’t know if they quite get it yet on how big of a deal this is, and maybe it will never be to them because this is all they have ever known….be who you are and be proud of that….whatever it is….because we are.
We love you no matter what and for those that don’t, they don’t really matter……not in our world anyway.
Dear Chervonne, you changed my life when you came into my world, I knew I would always be different because of it, because you made me a mom.
I had NO idea how much you would truly change everything, my view, my love….my life.
Be bold baby, always be you….keep showing up for the others, keep being a voice, keep learning….and just keep teaching us.
I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought everything was so clear, I thought I found my mission….
I avoided me….I had FINALLY found a way to shut myself down and not deal with my problems, I told myself that it was just better to take care of other people, it made me noble and righteous.
I always thought that being a martyr was a noble thing, it made you a good human to put yourself second right?
Self-care? Yea, whatever…what can I do for you? Tell me all of your shit, I can help you fix it, it’s my pleasure, be my guest!
I’m an empath…..this is one of the things we do, well not all of us, some of us have our shit together and know what balance is. I was NOT one of those.
The truth is I didn’t really like my own company, I didn’t like my thoughts, I just wanted them to shut up and seriously I was just needy, and at the time I didn’t know what I needed…I didn’t know what to do to shut out the agony of being me.
I ignored and neglected myself, not really because I was so fucking noble but because I couldn’t deal with my problems, I couldn’t deal with the wants of my soul…who did I think I was wanting anything more than what I had already?
For empaths it’s sooo much easier to ride on other’s energy and that’s what I did…whatever anyone needed I was there to give it to them, oh that joy that people can feel and exude is intoxicating, it’s more than that really….it can actually float you for days…make you feel things that you just can’t feel yourself, when you feel like you’re broken….
I helped for days, months…over a year…..I helped myself right out of my self-care and everything that I had left for me, I helped myself back into 40lbs of shame that keeps me from walking to my car without being uncomfortable. I am sweltering here in Louisiana, but all of this…..all of this shit is ON me….noone held a gun up to my head and told me do it, I did it to myself and I did it gladly.
So now I am here in this place, I have forgiven myself for the neglect…read about that here, so now it’s time for action.
I have been meditating, working out, getting sleep, and eating good food ( except the Doritos I had yesterday and I feel super dried out…..this must be what it’s like to be Sponge Bob out of water).
I have been going strong now for 11 days and I have lost some, but more than that I feel like I am truly loving myself and not just saying it because I look hot in the mirror ( I am totally still hot)…this is deeper than that.
I want to say that this is MY decision, I own this as something that I am doing for Theresa and I’m not saying that my method for self-care is the cure all for everyone because it’s not, but it’s what I need.
I want to feel my body be stronger than this, I want the inside of me to feel sparkly, I want my mind to feel free, and I want my thoughts to reach paper and mean something to me.
I am after something here, I am after me…..I am after the REAL me, not the me craving outside validation to let me know that I am okay…..I don’t want to have rely on my cause to know that I AM a good person. I am a good person, I’m fucking AWESOME…..this is totally all about me…and that’s totally okay.
The important thing in all of this is finding balance, know when you’re neglecting yourself. Neglecting people is never okay and you’re a person…you matter. If you can’t help yourself you really are no good for noone else…..the outside validation will NEVER last.
You will fail someone and they will fail you, it’s called life, it happens every day.
Look inside and really know that you’re amazing, you’re already GREAT!